hell is here…
I haven’t been writing much. I haven’t been creating, I haven’t been making many trips to the well. It’s been a year since I went to the quarries, and possibly longer since I went to my big, black chromium mine. I haven’t been back to the desert or New Orleans or Savannah since the fall, though I did spend two weeks at sea in January, which is better than nothing. But all in all, it’s been a while since I’ve done much of anything other than commune with demons.
They are around me all the time these days, in my head and in my heart. They’ve torn me open and put my insides on display on facebook and on stage. They’ve left me so marred that, at times, that I’m no longer recognizable to my closest friends and family. They toy with me as though all the years I’ve spent writing about strength and power and personal responsibility have meant nothing. They show me what it is to feel whole, then rip me in half. They fill me with a sense of faith and belief, then drain me until there is nothing left. They give me prophecy, then make me painfully aware that I know nothing. Who knew demons could be so very Zen? For me they have embodied everything and nothing.
I hate them.
I can’t imagine my world without them.
To be sure, I have not become a zealot, or a newly-religious girl. This has nothing to do with Hell or Satan or any other fairy tales other than the ones I am made of. To be sure, this is what happens when you are not true to yourself, when you fight the things that linger in your heart, when you lie to yourself about fear and pain. These are the doors you open, and when you do, you invite all manner of creature in. And goddamn, do they ever come in. They come like a fucking army, like a flood.
But the doors are open, the wounds that I carelessly stitched up years ago are open, and my heart -such as it is- is open. I’m letting them in, letting them through, to do their worst. Because I know it’s the only way I will ever be unafraid. It’s the only way I will heal.
The only way out is through.
And if my flood took you down, I can only tell you how sorry I am, and that it took me down, too. The sea that remains is deep and rough, it is filled with loss and demons and monsters and myth, but it will teach us to be strong. It will teach us what to fear and what to disregard. It will teach us what matters and what means very little.
My demons are teaching me, and though the lessons are ugly and brutal, they are lessons still, and I will listen.
I will learn.
I wish you all the wellness in the world on your journey of healing… You are not alone….
I wish you all the best, I hope your feeling better now? Just seeing at this was posted in feb and it’s now march.
I recently finished reading you book, Isabel Burning, and it left me needing more! haha I saw in an interview on Youtube, you said your writing more books around the Grace family. Im pleased to here this
All the best
Daniel
x
I’m really impressed that you’re doing the courageous & letting the stitches fall & the doors open, come whatever may. Many of us have done what you’ve done, sloppily shoving the demons back into their little chest of horrors & telling ourselves “out of sight, out of mind,” but so few of us actually face the accumulation years later. So many flee the waters when the dam breaks. To stand & face the flood, that’s truly commendable. I’ve recently swam myself. Its shattering. It completely turns you upside down & rearranges everything you’ve ever believed in. But we saddle up & endure the ride. You’ve given me so much through your lyrics & poems. I don’t believe for half a-second that you could give so much without being a vessel of something equally great. Do I know you? No. But I do believe that you are a strong person. If not from your lyrics & poems & art, I believe you are strong just from reading this post of yours. No weak person would do what you’re doing. Someone weak would see the dam breaking & at the first hint of mist piss their pants & haul ass for higher grand. Bravery requires strength. I believe in you. I believe that you can face these monsters. You’ve given me so much, please, don’t cut yourself short. You are capable of so much.
…Well..I could say I understand and that you’re not alone, that everyone has their own demons to deal with, and maybe some of that is true..though not all demons or situations are the same. I have waged my own personal war with demons, both hell-spawned and internal alike and I can say after a lifetime (or at least a life thus far) of fighting, it doesn’t get easier. I think some of it–at least in my case–stems from past life lessons i never learned. And just when you think you have them and their methods figured out, they twist everything again and the backsliding starts again.
I do sympathize and demons or not, I think you’re a great person. I do hope the struggle, war, teaching, or whatever you wish to call it will pass soon though–once and for all.
Such is the way to immortality.
I thought I had reached an agreement with certain demons, my demons, very personal and friendly things…I thought I was fine until the guilt of things, of existing with such demons and concealed blackness, threatened to tear me to shreads. Began tearing me, in fact, I can still feel those wounds knitting shut at the edges of my being. Thankfully my lover pulled me through it all, despite my desire, at some points, to simply give in and let the demons have me. I was the closest I’ve ever been to simply walking away from it all. And yet I did not. This still amazes me. She amazes me. Always has amazed me. Always will.
Best of luck learning.
I know these demons, they reside within my universe as well…I have grappled with them in the past, knowing the very same thing you have explained here, estrangement and alienation that I myself have farmed rich in it’s soil and ripe from the harvest. I fight with them still, moving against the tide and drowning, drowning in my own righteous fear, feeling so small and so tall at once just like Alice.
As you can tell this post really speaks to me, my own thoughts and emotion. I guess that is what great writers do…
I wish you all the wellness in the world on your journey of healing… You are not alone….